12 New [Non-existent] Products we Won't be Trying at the Grocery Store

1. Chocolate-flavored Charmin Bathroom Tissue
   
2. Traditional Maggot Cheese [Imported from Nice, France]
   
3. Pennsylvanian-style Pate - For the aquired taste of sauerkraut-cheese
   
4. Spinachabbage - New spinach-cabbage cross breed that tastes like asshole and whore
   
5. Anything with the word "cat" in the title of any new product in the Chinese foreign food section
   
6. Microwavable Condoms
   
7. On-the-go Chicken Puree - For Businessmen and Freaks
   
8. Anything with a combined manufacturing location label of "Holland-Taiwan"...for this is the location of Hell
   
9. Any new utility or product of Glad, Reynold's, or
   
10. Genetically mutated beef with infused protein enzymes imported from Australia
    
11. Tamarindo-Flavored ANYTHING...because the Spanish have abgefuckt tastebuds
    
12. Any "food" off the new open-air curd bar