Things That Happened in Europe

• fell asleep on the Berlin subway around 5am on the U2 near Stadtmitte and ended up at Deutsche Oper, past Zoologischer Garten (Schade rating of 3/5)
• friend gives a blowjob in the bathroom of an old fallout shelter-turned club in a post-Soviet Bloc country (Schade rating of 5/5)
• pissed on the Fernsehturm (Schade rating of 4/5)
• pissed on the fountain at Alexanderplatz (Schade rating of 3/5)
• threw flipflops, cigarettes, and lighter into the streets of Holland while on a drunken rampage (Schade rating of 5/5)
• friend almost sleeps with a guy named Flamingo (Schade rating of 3/5)
• friend goes home drunk at 8am and realizes she doesn't have her apartment key and calls me crying (Schade rating of 4/5)
• went to a gay club with one guy and blacked out...regained consciousness while kissing another guy (Schade rating of 5/5)
• slept in the basement of a gay club (Schade rating of 4/5)

Where have we had a vivid daydream today?

• bus stop
• in front of soup can display
• highway
• while mechanically punching in PIN number at ATM
• much-too-noisy daycare center
• while stopped at a greenlight by the much-too-slowly-moving pedestrian
  

What have we unintentionally dropped today?

• toothpick
• houseplant
• course in astrophysiology
• electric carving knife
• baby
• open bottle of Jack Daniels
• the eff bomb
• clawing housecat
  

Tentative Book Titles

• Conversations with a Fondue Pot: A Wife's Struggle with an Uncooperative Spouse
• From Paris to Berlin and every Asshole I Get in - Tales of Young Love
• Curiosity and Animosity: Why Orgies Rekindle the Passion and Destroy the Spirit
• Daoyen and the Soviet Fallout Shelter Bathroom Stall: Curing Narcolepsy
  
• Nathan the Wise and Jesus' Vagina: a Phallus is NOT a Penis
• Psychos and Softies: My Exes
• A History of the Banana
• How Captain Planet Made Us All Gay
• I Do Not Love the Fish - The Guide to Correct Russian Grammar
• Schadenfreude and Zerstörungswut: All About Fun German Words
  

Phrases One Says Only Once in a Lifetime

1. No, sorry, I can't go roller skating...I have to shampoo the carpet.
   
2. Could you hand me my chloroseptic from my bag?
   
3. Don't put the PROBE in there!
   
4. Did you just say flaming wallet enchiladas?
   
5. If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. <-Lewis Black
6. It's just like I told her...one cantaloupe and TWO pears, not three, TWO!
   
7. HIAWATHA!
8. I envy you like a water buffalo envies a canoo. <-Katie
9. Do you even know how lips my chapped are??? <-Sam
10. That was refreshing...I really should start committing suicide more often.
    

Jobs to Fall Back On

1. Bartender
   
2. Flight Attendant
   
3. Hotel Desk Clerk
   
4. Travel Guide
   
5. Ice Cream Man
   
6. Glass Blower
7. Personal Assistant (to a comedian/comedienne)
   

I suppose it is dangerous to say that I would enjoy all of these...

Who are We Blaming Our Misfortune On Today?

1. Ronald McDonald, who fucked up your order, once again
   
2. That bitch in the payroll department who jipped you two figures on your last paycheck so she would make enough money to feed her own fat fuckin ass
   
3. Movie Rental guy...you blame him for taking the last copy of Children of the Corn, which you needed to watch after another day working at the ice cream shop and seeing too many happy people
   
4. Random Pakistani who answered your customer service call to GE about a clogged ice cube-maker in your freezer
   
5. Cashier who gave you a "dirty look" and then "purposely" wrinkled your new slacks
   
6. Your parents who scarred you for life, which you are now only finding out through counseling, three days per week
   

States I'd Never like to Visit

• Kentucky - teeth are optional here
  
• Tennessee - country music makes me want to lacerate my gastro-intestinal tract
  
• Vermont - no one lives here
  
• Wyoming - population of 0.4 people per square mile...that's fucking sick
  
• Idaho - nothing good can come from a state that's only good thing is Napoleon Dynamite
  
• Montana - the name itself is retarded...I once knew a black kid who played the saxophone named Montana, what a poor existence
  
• North Dakota - no one in the right mind would live here...at least, no one with a frontal lobe continually intact
  
• New Mexico - if I wanted to sweat my balls off, I'd go to the Red Light District in Amsterdam, not to this desolate snake-fucked backcountry flatland
  
• South Dakota - does anything ever happen here except for the front page of the news referencing you to a cat stuck in a tree on Cooper Street?...seriously, screw that noise