Why We aren't Brushing our Teeth at Night

• You're a rebellious son
  
• Because beer and Aquafresh Ultra-Whitening just don't agree with you and your gastro-intestinal tract
  
• The Boogie Man hides in the medicine cabinet from 9:37-11:28, and it's too scary past 11pm anyway
  
• Controlling girlfriend said "No"
  
• You're a Calvinist and or mentally retarded Pilgrim
  
• You're from Kentucky...period
  
• You're from Alabama, Mississippi, or Tennessee
  
• You sort of like the flavor of asshole in the morning...it give you motivation to start the day off right
  
• You don't feel like working at the office tomorrow, so you decide to talk to everyone you meet as you enter the cubicle...they promptly leave
  
• It's your idea of a science experiment...but, hey, Mr. Watson was asking for it
  
• You have made a list of the stages of bad breath, and "Fire Breath" is your goal...all the way at the top...number 18
  
• You're a strict beliver in "everything happens for a reason", where natural bad breath is a must, and you already bent your rule this month by changing your underwear
  
• Your colostomy bag [somehow] was punctured and burst over your toothbrush and Dove soap
  
• David stole it after your kick-ass Tahitian-themed party to get the ham off his canines
  
• Trying to break the World Record for Most Fucked-Up Teeth, enabling you to travel 'out of county'
  
• Your dog prefers your rotten mouth scent to Crest
  
• Because God doesn't brush his teeth...the angels do it for him...and you have no angels
  
• Daughter just "HAD to have" the new Suzie Squiggle pen today in FAO Schwarz
  
• You have no money for toothpaste because the richest 1% of the population needed a tax cut...

4 Things that We Fabricated for Self-Entertainment Yesterday

• Imagined Mrs. Spottswood keeling over in the kitchen from her colonoscopy altercation last week
  
• Pictured what would happen if George Bush's comb-over turned into a slice of parmesan cheese
  
• Fantacized about Ron Popeil humping that "set it and forget it!" rotisserie barbecue chicken
  
• That the American government is spying on its own citizens. Oh wait...that's real...

12 New [Non-existent] Products we Won't be Trying at the Grocery Store

1. Chocolate-flavored Charmin Bathroom Tissue
   
2. Traditional Maggot Cheese [Imported from Nice, France]
   
3. Pennsylvanian-style Pate - For the aquired taste of sauerkraut-cheese
   
4. Spinachabbage - New spinach-cabbage cross breed that tastes like asshole and whore
   
5. Anything with the word "cat" in the title of any new product in the Chinese foreign food section
   
6. Microwavable Condoms
   
7. On-the-go Chicken Puree - For Businessmen and Freaks
   
8. Anything with a combined manufacturing location label of "Holland-Taiwan"...for this is the location of Hell
   
9. Any new utility or product of Glad, Reynold's, or
   
10. Genetically mutated beef with infused protein enzymes imported from Australia
    
11. Tamarindo-Flavored ANYTHING...because the Spanish have abgefuckt tastebuds
    
12. Any "food" off the new open-air curd bar
    

I MUST FIND A MORE SUITABLE HUMAN HOST!

Not a list of my own creation, but a quite pleasant unorthodox one nonetheless...a list of the buttons you should press to bypass the ill-humanoid machine automated bastard services for many big companies...for the impatient. Next time your coffee pot explodes or your CitiBank card is confiscated by aliens from Vega, check out the list to pick your numbered-button poison:
http://paulenglish.com/ivr


Thanks Paul!

If I were God - THE list of 7 Bastardous/Joyful Things

1. Add an 8th day to the week...right between Saturday and Sunday called "KMABIAHday" = Kiss My Ass, Boss, I'm At Home day.
   
2. Abolish the flavor of "pistachio" from all ice creams in the northern hemisphere.
   
3. Move the Verizon skyscraper from New York City to south-western Zambia...workers still inside.
   
4. Replace all bottled water with my own concoction of half and half, salt water, and hot chocolate...just to piss off the health-freaks
   
5. Emancipate lonely carbohydrates from the Prison of Diet and Annorexia Palace
   
6. Be the ice cream man
   
7. Command the Turks to invade Canada and force the Frenchies to speak Turkish...man, would they be PISSED!!!

5 why to not name your child after a family member

1. BECAUSE IT'S RETARDED, YOU PRICK.
   
2. BECAUSE IT'S RETARDED, YOU PRICK.
   
3. BECAUSE IT'S RETARDED, YOU PRICK.
   
4. BECAUSE IT'S RETARDED, YOU PRICK.
   
5. BECAUSE IT'S RETARDED, YOU PRICK.
   

Top 10 colors we won't be painting our walls

1. Any seasonal color relating to "autumn"
   
2. That color you saw in Lowes while you were drunk and said "Hey, that's hot, right?"
   
3. Any shade of "burnt"
   
4. Baby shit green
   
5. Baby shit brown
   
6. Baby shit yellow
   
7. Basically, any starting with "baby shit"
   
8. The color of the ceiling, even though your junkie boyfriend thinks pink enveloping him would be cool
   
9. Primary colors, unless you are a 2-year-old or a pedophile
   
10. The same color as your grandmother's hospital gown...SEA FOAM GREEN